General
Also known as Big-Foot, the sasquatch inhabits forests in the northwest corner of Canada and the United States. Sasquatch is an anglicized word from “Sésquac” which means “wild man” in the First Nations’ Salish language.
Some consider it to be no more than folklore. However, some researchers have expressed both a keen interest and belief in the viability of its existence. Much has been collected, including scat, hair samples and footprints, and photographs, giving scientists and researchers credible evidence of its existence.
Description
The Sasquatch is a large hairy primate 2–3 metres in height, weighing 150-250 kilograms, and completely covered in long brown to reddish hair. The animal has the head, face and posture of a gorilla. Like a black bear and a zombie, you will likely smell one before you see it. They smell very nasty, often described as a combination of toe jam and a methane septic leak. The footprints discovered are between 45-60 cm long and 15-20 cm wide. They are believed to be an omnivore and nocturnal.
Avoid An Attack
The Sasquatch is a very gentle and private creature. There have been no documented cases of negative interactions between humans. That however doesn’t account for the many missing hikers reported each year in the woodlands of the Pacific north-west of North America, nor the many tall hairy children born each year in Squamish, British Columbia.
To reduce the likelihood of an unpleasant encounter with a Sasquatch consider the following:
- Don’t hike with large hairy friends – the sasquatch may enter your camp to mate,
- When in Sasquatch country, bath regularly – they are repulsed by the smell of soap,
- Keep the campfire burning all night – they are nocturnal and will stay away while you sleep,
- They are attracted to the colour orange – if you have an orange jacket consider getting a new one!
- Don’t bring your dog – dogs have gone missing in Sasquatch country,
- When hiking, don’t use bear bells – they are attracted to the pleasant chimes of bells,
- If you are ovulating – don’t hike in Sasquatch country (nothing else needs to be said).
The Sasquatch Acts Aggressively
Stay calm and look the sasquatch straight in the eyes. Give it plenty of room to escape. Remember the sasquatch is also frightened of you. Don’t run because this may trigger the sasquatch to attack or try to mate. Never, never, turn your back or bend over (nothing else needs to be said).
Attacked
Fight back. If you are unsuccessful, you will either be “lunch” or smoking a cigarette (nothing else needs to be said).
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