A zombie can be either an undead creature or a person in a trance controlled by another. The latter occurs in the African Vodun religion and its Haitian offshoot, Vodou or Voodoo.
Zombies were first highlighted in the 1968 film – Night of the Living Dead. Zombie tales, whether they be fact or fiction, usually describe a collapse of civilization, where a large part of the population has become flesh-eating zombies. They are always hungry for human flesh, with a strong appetite for our brains.
The cause of zombism is unknown, however, some have attributed environmental factors, mutated viruses or rogue bacteria. In almost all cases, a human infected with a zombie’s blood will too become a zombie.
Most importantly … ”zombies don’t camp” ©. So load up your Subaru with as much granola as you can carry and head for the backcountry.
Identifying a Zombie
Please demonstrate extreme caution if you suspect a case of zombism. Look for the following signs:
- Violent rages – zombies are motivated to feed and will eat all and any living flesh. They will attack animals, people, and even lawyers. If you are attacked and survive – contact authorities
- Loss of memory, speech and IQ – zombies cannot communicate verbally beyond basic moans, groans and grunts (see YOKO music). They appear not to recognize people, places, and things formerly familiar. Memory loss and IQ reduction appear to be profound and absolute and are very similar to a newly elected politician. People with zombism may appear to be drug users, drunk, dazed or Charlie Sheen.
- Loss of coordination, bowel and bladder control – although they appear awkward, they are still capable of sudden and quick movements. Never underestimate a zombie.
Avoid an Attack
To reduce the likelihood of an unpleasant encounter with a zombie:
- Avoid camping in the city post-apocalypse,
- Don’t set up your campsite near a nuclear facility,
- Don’t go camping with a practicing “Vodunite”,
- Wear a red rubber clown nose. Zombies and Cannibals will avoid you – they will assume you taste funny,
- Sleep in a double-layered hardened steel trailer with no windows – nylon just won’t cut it in the event of a zombie attack,
- Ensure your camping buddy can’t run as fast as you,
- Zombies can’t swim – camp on an island,
- “Old Spice” aftershave – clinical testing has shown it smells very similar to the un-dead. When you are cornered, and there appears to be no alternative, generously apply “Old Spice” to yourself and the zombies will assume you are one of them, and they will quietly move on.
- Never sleep.
Zombies are primal, focused and skilled hunters. No other predator has a greater appetite for human flesh than zombies. A zombie can burst into your tent, and dine on your pulsating remains so fast you won’t even know what hit you.
Here are some useful tips:
- Always choose to avoid, rather than confront a zombie,
- They are generally very slow and have difficulty running – wear lightweight hiking boots,
- They can’t speak – however, they can grunt and growl,
- They are partly dead and hence are composed of dying and decaying flesh,
- You will smell them before you see them,
- You have two choices, kill them or escape – they will not stop,
- Zombies have powerful grips – if you are grabbed, you likely won’t survive,
- Avoid zombie’s hands and mouths,
- The zombie virus is very virulent – it will survive outside the host for up to 6 hours and can enter your body in the smallest of scraps or cuts,
- When all else appears futile, cover yourself with feces, grunt and groan, can’t your head 30 degrees and attempt to blend in with the other zombies. There have been documented cases where a hungry zombie horde has mistaken an unaffected human as one of their own, if this happens, you will not be attacked. Be aware, they have very keen senses, and will not be fooled for long!
Killing a Zombie
Zombies are extremely difficult to stop, mostly because they are already dead. The only known way to “kill” a zombie is to destroy its brain. With this in mind – slash and bash freely, always going for the headshot. Be artistic and creative – why not…this may be your last time to express yourself.
Headshots, decapitation, and a host of other methods can work, but remember, the destruction of any other vital organ will have no effect….nothing….nota…zippo. Keep in mind, any ill-fated attempt will likely just get the zombie mad – and you don’t want that!
The safest place to be during the next Zombie pandemic is in the backwoods… because “zombies don’t camp © “.