General

The Urban Cougar is the most widely distributed predator in the Americas. They come in all shapes and sizes, however, size does not reflect the amount of danger they impose on their prey. Their extensive experience and unmatched cunning make them superior hunters.

They live in a variety of habitats;  from trailer parks to luxury condominiums, from Texas to the Arctic Circle, and there have even been reports as far south as Mexico and the Caribbean. They are most abundant in areas with large quantities of young athletic males.

Urban cougars are solitary, extremely unpredictable and strongly territorial hunters.  They often stalk their prey for hours by concealing themselves within large groups of humans, and then initiate a surprise attack when the prey is distracted by younger cats.

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Avoid An Attack

To reduce the likelihood of an unpleasant encounter with a cougar: 

  • Avoid going to bars, discos and nightclubs alone – especially between dusk and dawn when cougars normally hunt,
  • Make lots of obnoxious noises, talk about sports, and drink large quantities of alcoholic beverages,
  • Always keep smaller more attractive male friends within arms reach –  particularly in areas where urban cougars are likely to be,
  • If you are a young heterosexual male, drink with a woman or gay friend – this can be useful in discouraging a cougar attack,
  • Do not approach a cougar – especially when she is on the prowl or has consumed excessive amounts of alcohol.

Becomes Aggressive

Stay calm and face the cougar. Give her plenty of room to escape. Don’t run – this may trigger the cougar’s instinct to attack. Try to appear mentally ill by putting a hand in your pants, wearing your coat inside-out, soiling yourself, and yelling obscure facts about Broadway shows. Wet yourself, pick your nose, and induce vomiting. Never, never, never turn your back or bend over.

Attacked

Young males of the species are no match for the advanced cunning and superior experience of a seasoned urban cougar. Do not fall to the ground and roll into a fetal position – no matter how much you may want to – this could provoke some perverse maternal response.  Back away slowly or wait until the cougar moves on. Hide and remain in a public men’s room – wait there until the cougar loses interest and moves on.

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